catmask
catmask

this month has been full of so many instances where i thought “im not strong enough to live through this” “i cant possibly figure out how to face something like this”. but a month ago, i was getting frustrated just looking for a shirt to wear on a date.. and for awhile i kept thinking how stupid i was to have gotten frustrated over something so pointless, at time my life was so much calmer and certain. well, i dont know how to solve what im facing right now, but today i went out for groceries and found exactly the kind of shirt id been looking for, so… i wonder what other things i will figure out if i stick around long enough to find them. i think maybe ive mistaken strength for knowing what to do right away, all the time, when its really just deciding to keep moving forward even when you dont.

tempesthreads
tempesthreads

Came back from my social media break, and saw the Tumblr dashboard change finally reached my doorstep while I was gone.

Guess my departure from Tumblr is about to become a permanent one.

tempesthreads

But genuinely speaking, I’m trying to make my use of Tumblr and social media in general a lot less frequent. I get a weird brand of anxiety being online in general, and the fact I post most of the art I make online is not healthy or sustainable. In the case of Tumblr, even if I try to only use it for reblogging/liking content, I’ll probably still be tempted to post my own content since it’s the way I’ve been using Tumblr for the past almost five years. Hard habit to break.

So, I want to start focusing on posting quality art that ’m actually proud of as opposed to sprinting a bunch of art. (The drawing burnout is so real.) Reblogging stuff about the SAG-AFTRA strike, natural disaster relief funds, and other world events won’t change though because I actually do think being informed about this kind of stuff is important.

Plus, my experience in fandom has always been so…strange? It’s long and complicated, but it doesn’t really help my anxiety. There are few places I’ve actually felt safe and free to be myself in, and even then, everything always seems to turn sour in the end. And a big part of why I started using (and still use) Tumblr is because of fandom. I’d like to be able to separate my association of fandom with Tumblr, but fandom is kind of a big thing here (understatement of the century). This is just a sign I need to do some follow cleaning, I think.

During my break, I actually finished reading I Was Born For This by Alice Oseman, and they wrote something that really resonated with me about fandom:

“And the saddest thing about you fans is that you don’t care about yourselves. You would give your lives for these boys. They practically keep you alive. But beneath that, and if you took all that away, you fundamentally do not value yourself.”    

I did not have a boy band phase. But the message in this was so damn clear and resonated with me so strongly. Kind of the perfect read for my mood the past few months. I want to learn how to value myself more, not see myself as “just someone who draws fanart for X fandom”. And for me, it starts with not being online all the time and making art for myself.

TLDR; Me being on Tumblr will be less frequent than it was before this break. Same goes for Discord, Insta, and the like. When I do post, it’ll probably be in lower quantity, but higher quantity. Expect art posts and world news bc being informed is important. Fandom is weird. You’re more than the fandom you’re in.

vent